YES/ NO by ZSUZSI CSISZER from zsuzsi csiszer on Vimeo.
Summer started, and the first holiday when I did not share my bed with my man… He left. I had some tracing paper right there in my room and I started to draw on it and while doing so, other thoughts kept coming back to my mind: how I will be able to gather myself together again, whether I will be able to be with him or myself again, whether I can accept him, whether I could take him back again. Will I give up or not? Will I start over again as I have no other option anyway. And suddenly I tore the piece of paper with the drawing and I started to answer to myself with yes- no- yes- no, yes- yes. As the thoughts were coming I was answering them, crying, and I was angry and I forgave him and myself for everything. Then everything became as simple as difficult I first saw my life./ I had already been keeping a diary which I exhibited at the Diary exhibition this year, though I haven’t finished it yet/.
At first I only had the strength to repeat these two words on the paper: YES-NO, then slowly I slipped into the summer, I took the paper everywhere and I kept writing and writing, by hand. Now I have nearly 200 metres. One roll is 100 metre long and the second is ready, and more. I have to concentrate very much as I use block letters, about the same size. Well, after an hour it goes quite well.
Somehow I have to reconsider my role as a woman again. Is it a simple writing practice? It’s an attempt at patience. Just like embroidery, sewing, tearing, cutting on a chopping board. Writing these two words representing the two extremes, I might find the golden mean. Anyway, I started to search in my woman self. I have to find that first.
I am constantly forced to make my own decisions. Nowadays, I deny a lot of things but this brings the affirmation out of me emotionally, to wish the ‘yes’, that I would like things to get better. It is also a mantra, getting into a meditative state where maybe I become free of thoughts, but as I have to give answers on the paper there is always one particular thing to which I have to react with yes or no. As if I had the ability to change things.
I started to write the anwers on my bedroom walls as well, since I faced the fact that I could decide who I share my bed with. Should I – at all – share it with somebody? Do I want to share it with anybody? Or how much more I have to wait for making my own decision whether I can love the man who loves me, whether I can love myself… Maybe these letters are so small on purpose, but as I write these ones by hand as well, there is still a lot of space on the wall. Of course, I can stop it any time.
I think nowadays many of us are in the same decision situation.
Or maybe there must be a clear reaction to facts: yes or no.
There must be answers, therefore I constantly keep answering by representing a process.